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THMS 374: How to Craft Your Own Life & Elevate Your Relationships
“There is no such thing as a self-made man. You will reach your goals only with the help of others.” – George Shinn
As a former lone wolf, the idea that I needed others to make an impact was a hard pill to swallow. But it’s true—it takes a team of people utilizing their unique strengths, solid communication, and a shared goal to make great things happen. This is the case whether we’re talking about creating a podcast, raising children, starting a business, or building a strong and successful marriage.
Our relationships are the most impactful thing on our health, happiness, and overall success—and they can take a lot of work. While it’s easy to place blame on others and put a magnifying glass on their shortcomings, that isn’t necessarily productive. But what can really make an impact on how your relationships function is to better understand yourself and your strengths. Once you have a better grasp on who you are, you can master your reactions and use your talents to be more productive and efficient in your roles.
In his new book, You Ain’t the Boss of Me, Eric “ET” Thomas shares how to empower yourself by uncovering your unique superpowers. ET is here with us today to share the critical takeaways and mindset shifts that can occur when you have a better understanding of who you are at your core. You’ll learn powerful lessons on how to manage your approaches and expectations, how uncovering your gifts and talents can help you thrive in all aspects of your life, and so many more profound insights. Please enjoy this interview with the one and only Eric Thomas!
In this episode you’ll discover:
- What it’s like to build a healthy marriage without a frame of reference.
- How understanding your personality type can help you master your relationships.
- The importance of being aware of your body language.
- What it means to be on the hunt in your relationship.
- Why it’s critical to understand the appropriate time to use your strengths.
- How studying your personality can help you succeed.
- Why using your talents is like boiling an egg.
- What superheroes and villains have in common.
- How to better interpret other people’s resistance.
- Why relationships are like puzzles.
- How to teach your children about persistence and responsibility.
- Why asking how you can be of service can help you build wealth.
- The importance of putting out positive energy.
- How giving away your gifts is like planting a seed.
- Why money and mindset are interlinked.
Items mentioned in this episode include:
- Organifi.com/Model ⇐ Use the coupon code model for 20% off!
- Foursigmatic.com/model ⇐ Get 15% off your daily health elixirs and coffee!
- Themodelhealthshow.com/PL2020 ⇐ Join me at Phenomenal Life 2020!
- Demolish Your Limitations & Detox Your Life with Drew Canole – Episode 303
- Real Solutions for ADHD with Dr. John Gray – Episode 221
- Extreme Execution Coaching
- You Ain’t the Boss of Me by Eric Thomas, Ph.D
- Connect with Eric Thomas Website / Podcast / YouTube
Thank you so much for checking out this episode of The Model Health Show. If you haven’t done so already, please take a minute and leave a quick rating and review of the show on Apple Podcast by clicking on the link below. It will help us to keep delivering life-changing information for you every week!
You are now listening to The Model Health Show with Shawn Stevenson. For more, visit themodelhealthshow.com.
Shawn Stevenson: Welcome to The Model Health Show. This is fitness and nutrition expert Shawn Stevenson and I am so grateful for you tuning in with me today.
We've had some special episodes, but this episode right here is very. very special. We've got the number one motivational speaker on the planet here in the studio with us today.
And listen, I hope you're ready for this. We've got Eric Thomas in the house, and listen, he's had such a huge impact on my life and getting to the place that he is, as far as the impact that he's having on the planet, you don't get there by being great in just one thing.
And so what I'm interested in talking about today, and this is something that I really strive to bring forth for everybody here in The Model Health Show, is having great health in our relationships.
I truly believe that our relationships are the most impactful thing on our health, on our happiness, on our success in life, and me being a former lone wolf— I didn't really want to acknowledge that, I just thought that as long as I'm happy, as long as I'm out here, I'm going to save the world.
And in reality, I cannot do the work that I want to do or create the change that I want to create or accomplish the mission that I have for myself without working with and through other passionate people.
And so I really had to accept that and open myself up to working with other people, and to collaborating, and to opening up my heart. A lot of times we close ourselves off because of the things that we've gone through in our lives, maybe we went through a heartbreak, maybe we went through a traumatic experience in a business partnership, but we have to understand that those are still opportunities for growth and lessons learned.
And we move on with the same tenacity in our next relationship or next business partnership, but now we have updated knowledge. Because once we cut away the possibility of growth and of love, of contribution, of collaboration, we really miss out on tapping into our superpowers.
Because our unique superpowers are one thing, but when we put those superpowers with some other talented people, you create the X-Men, right, you create these superhero teams that can truly save the world, right? So I am really excited about this.
And one of the things that I was just talking about, funny enough, yesterday I was with somebody— we've still got to fuel our mission, our relationships absolutely are the biggest influence on our health and our success.
But our nutrition matters, our sleep matters, our movement practices, all of these things coming together and create this tapestry that creates our own model of health. And so fueling ourselves with nutrition is obviously important.
And we were talking about Organifi Green Juice because I went to their place and I had no idea, they opened up the refrigerator, there was— I don't know, you don't need to store it in the refrigerator by the way, but it was in the refrigerator.
And then we just got to talking about it and we got to talking about the CEO of the company, Drew Canole, that's where we connected because we both love Drew and we've seen his process, and his progress, and his growth, and his impact on the world.
We've had Drew on the show as well and we'll put his most recent episode which was the most powerful episode. Because I've had him on twice I believe, and we'll put that in the shown notes for you guys, but just the integrity that goes into it, sourcing organic ingredients, low-temperature processing to retain the nutrients is really important.
And the formula itself, like if I was a to create a green blend and making it taste good, that's what's really remarkable about it. And one of the hallmark ingredients in there is Chlorella, right, Chlorella.
Chlorella is about 50 percent protein by weight, it is one of the most dense protein sources of anything that's ever been discovered. But the reason it has a name Chlorella is because it's just so dense in chlorophyll.
But what's really interesting about Chlorella for me personally is the fact that it's a natural chelator, so Chlorella has been found in clinical trials to actually help your body to detoxify itself of heavy metals, so that's pretty profound.
We see so many different issues tied to and I was just, and of course, again, we also had him on the show, but Dr. Mark Hyman who was just talking about how his health was so damaged due to his exposure to heavy metals and he was losing muscle function because of Mercury and cognitive function. And so having a natural chelator through nutrition that can safely and gently help your body to buffer a lot of the toxicity we're exposed to is something really special.
And this was a study that was published in The Journal International Immunopharmacology affirm that Chlorella helps to reduce blood levels of Lead. This is something that's just in our common culture, our common language about Lead poisoning and how dangerous it is and not using Lead-based paints, like this is something that's kind of been outlawed.
And so Chlorella helps, and this is again, a clinical trial has discovered this, and this was a double-blind placebo-controlled study published in Clinical and Experimental Hypertension found that Chlorella was able to significantly reduce the blood pressure of test subjects with hypertension at the end of a 12-week study period.
So not only does it have the capacity to help your body to eliminate heavy metals, but it also has a capacity to help to regulate your blood pressure as well. So really profound stuff, it's just one of the ingredients in this powerful green blend from Organifi.
Alright, so pop over there, check them out, out, it's organifi.com/model, that's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com/model, and you get 20 percent off the Green Juice formula that we're talking about and also their Red Juice formula which is my son Braden's favorite and their Gold Formula and everything else that they carry, alright, it's a really, really great hook up for my audience here at The Model Health Show, so pop over there, check them out, organifi.com/model. And now, let's get to the Apple podcast review of the week.
iTunes Review: Another 5-star review titled "Spreading the message through Uber" by brdz87654 "I drive for Uber and Lyft while I start my journey into Real Estate, you are always keeping me company on my rides. I share your podcast with all my riders in hopes they too can get the inspiration, information, and motivation I receive from this show! Thank you so much for what you do for the world! I am truly grateful for all the information you have blessed my family with!"
Shawn Stevenson: That is so incredible, thank you so much. I mean, Uber, I mean Uber. You know what's so funny is that just a couple of weeks ago I shared this insight that I had recently about the power that this phone, this device that we all have, everybody listening. has the opportunity to create income for themselves just by having this simple device in their hands.
And so whether this is through Uber, through Lyft, through DoorDash, through Postmates, you don't have to go through some crazy interview process to make money to get a job, you don't have to put on the right tie, the bow, whatever.
You don't have to try to, let me learn how to interview like you can literally just grab your phone and start to make an income. And no matter how weird you are, well, of course, you don't want to be too weird, you know what I am saying, but this is such a great opportunity that we've never had before.
But it comes with another dimension of it, there's a parallel universe where there are other businesses that are in conflict with it, we've got Uber now, but what about cab companies, they've taken a huge hit, but this creates an opportunity to adapt.
We don't want to be like Blockbuster Video and not adapt when Netflix shows his face. Blockbuster had it locked down, they had the income, they had the potential infrastructure, but they were just like, "People are always going to want to come to our store." Are you kidding me?
And so they left this huge opportunity open for someone else to take control of their market share. Now I think there's one Blockbuster Video left and I think it's like in Alaska somewhere, if I recall, but I even felt that when Netflix came along I was just like I still felt this pull like, "I need to go out and work for this video experience," you know what I am saying?
But then it just became a reality like, "Wow I can't believe that I used to go out there and stand by the box and hope that somebody is going to return the video that I want to see," like we all get it on-demand now. And so it creates this opportunity, there's this duality, but we have the opportunity to grow and adapt.
And so I just want to remind us of the opportunity we have, so it's not just through those apps but through the apps of being a social media influencer and creating content and maybe being of service in coaching other people through that medium, like there's no stopping, you're creating music.
There are so many people that are transforming the world through putting music on Sound Cloud and there's just an entire generation that's just crushing it through that platform.
So there are no more gatekeepers, those days are over, but we still have to take advantage and to do that by instilling positivity into it and impacting other people's lives. Thank you so much for taking me with you on your ride with your pickups being Uber and Lyft driver, I think it's just profound and I am so grateful for that.
And everybody, thank you so much for taking me with you no matter where you are right now, whether you're in the gym, whether you're out walking, taking the dogs out, whether you're just kicking back and taking some notes, whether you are doing some household chores, whatever it might be, thank you so much. I'm so grateful to be a part of your life.
And today I want to deliver a really profound, powerful gift to you in the form of Dr. Eric Thomas. Now he is, again, the number one motivational speaker in the world and he didn't get this esteem on a straight track.
This man was literally homeless at one point in his teens and he shared the story many times and even on past episodes of the show, being forced to live in abandoned buildings and eat out trash cans.
And he dropped out of high school but he got his GED, then he struggled through college and ended up getting his bachelor's finally, he got his master's degree, he got his doctorate.
But he's not running around saying, "I'm Dr. Eric Thomas," he's really like, "I'm a real person with real-world challenges, and I want to share what I've learned with the rest of the world."
And he's such a great human being on top of being a great speaker. But in this episode we're really talking about some of the things that matter a lot to me right now, which is how do we operate in a medium where our children are not going through the same challenges that we are, it's updated issues that we're talking about today.
So we're talking about parenting, we're talking about relationships with our significant other which might be of value to any of us and we're also talking about our mindset when it comes to our financial wellbeing as well, so there's a lot here. And so now we're going to jump into this conversation with the one and only Dr. Eric Thomas.
I know that you guys just had an anniversary you and Dede, right?
Eric Thomas: Yes, 29 years.
Shawn Stevenson: 29 years.
Eric Thomas: The big one is next year, so I heard I have to do something for the big one, so Ill see what I got to do.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, I think it's like a silver, maybe some gold, I don't know how it goes.
Eric Thomas: We messed it up because on our 21st our mother was diagnosed with cancer a few years before, the docs were kind of like, "It's a rat, go spend 6 months with your family," you know what I am saying?
And so by the grace of God, we decided the 21st to do it, since she was still alive and we ruined it because she's still alive. We could have done it at the 30 because she's like, "I'm not going nowhere."
So we messed up the silver/ gold thing but we got to something since it's 30, we figure we'll do something small somewhere.
Shawn Stevenson: That's facts, man, because a lot of people know you to be the number one motivational speaker on the planet, but you can't get to that position without being spectacular in other areas.
And one of those things is relationships. And so this is something that I'm always turning into you for paying attention to, because for you, you and I growing up, we didn't have a lot of examples and so a lot of this stuff has been on the job training. And so I believe, by the way, I think your guys' anniversary might be on my birthday, what's the date?
Eric Thomas: The 23rd of August.
Shawn Stevenson: That's my birthday, that's crazy.
Eric Thomas: So I can't forget no more, I got it.
Shawn Stevenson: That's awesome. But yes, so just to kind of get to the mechanics of it all, like you not having a framework of what that looks like 29 years. You know what I'm saying?
So what was one of the early steps that you saw like to break that pattern of people falling apart and making a relationship, like what are some of those qualities and things that you had to figure out?
Eric Thomas: Yes, so this hurts every time I say it but I remember I was on campus and I was a part of a ministry, that's when I kind of first realized I had a gift to speak. And so I probably was overusing it and I used to be on campus with my boys every Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday we had an event called Bell Tower.
And we went, like we started at night and I think we got into a discussion afterward, it must be about 2 o'clock in the morning, like we would end it about 10, 11 at night, it was a night time thing.
And then we'd be up talking and whatever, and I was married, I was a sophomore in college but I married after my freshman year. And I remember going home this one particular night, 2 o'clock in the morning, and I remember Dede like, she's not a crier, she wasn't crying like physical tears, but like you could tell she was upset.
And I'm like, "What's up?" She was like, "Nothing". But I was like, "Come on, what's up?" She was like, "Nothing." I was like, "No, for real, be honest, what's up?" She was like, "You know what, I love you but I wish I hadn't married you."
And I was like, "What?" And she was like, "Not like I don't love you and I don't want to be with you, but it was better when we were friends. It's kind of like once I got married to you, you not compartmentalize me and put me away and it's like you take everything.
When we were dating you were seeking me, like you were trying to get me to marry you, like I was a priority, but now it kind of seems like now that you have secured me, I'm like over in a corner somewhere and so when you finish doing everything you do then you get to me. But when we were dating and we were friends like I was first."
That hit me hard, like whoa. And so was at that point I was like, "Yo E, you got to get back to the friendship," you know like, "You've got to get back to Dede as your best friend." So I think a lot of times our relationships, once we say, "I do," not consciously maybe, but subconsciously, that person is no longer in the friend zone, so we're not hunting like we used to hunt before, and it's kind of like, "I captured it."
And so for me, it was like, "Yo, E, you got to get back to friendship or more important, you got to get back to the hunt. You got to find a way even though you married her to keep coming up with these ways to hunt her and go after her and make her feel like she's desired and not like a second thought."
So for me, I think that was the thing that really turned my relationship around. At all my relationships with my children, I'm still on that, "Ok E, find ways to make them", when Jade was 4 you'd come through the door she would be running like, "Daddy!"
Well, she's 21 now and so she's in school, so you're not coming through the door no more, but what are the things you can do to still make her want to run and go, "Daddy!”
You know, C.J. business partner, but when he met you he was 22, 23 he was like, "Yo, E.T" he looked up to you. What are the things you can do, even though he's grown with kids, married, this still makes C.J. go, "Whoa, E.T" you know what I'm saying?
So it's like Michael Jordan playing, but Michael, what do you do 5 years, 10 years, 15 years into the game to still make people go "Whoa, M.J" and not, "Oh I've seen M.J do that a million times."
Shawn Stevenson: Unbelievable, man that's, for you to have that like click take place so early on, I think that's a gift you know what I'm saying because a lot of people don't get to that until later in life, if they get to it. And one of the things too, whenever I end up ironing something for my wife I think about you.
Eric Thomas: Yeah, no question. You and a lot of dudes. I'm like, I'll be in the airport, dude would just walk up to me like, "E, you know it's your fault." I'm like, "Bro, I don't even know you, like what do you mean my fault?" "Bro, I've been ironing bro, I use the unstoppables in the washer," you know what I'm saying? So no question, I get that to be a part of my legacy.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, that's crazy how you can get attached to those things, you know what I'm saying, in people's minds. That's awesome, man.
But you know what's so crazy is that for me and my relationship with my wife, we didn't have examples again. And we literally had to at a point, because we loved— love isn't enough, which is crazy to say that, because there's a song, I think is the Beatles or John Lennon "All We Need Is Love." No, love isn't enough.
Eric Thomas: He should explain that.
Shawn Stevenson: Right. Let's break sound down some bars. But we really had to study, we had to study relationships, we had to study and find out about ourselves and the way that we— because people communicate differently, and this is one of the things you've been on in the last couple of years.
And I've been fortunate enough to be around and to see it and see people's light bulb come on when they realize, "Wait a minute, I'm communicating my way to the other people in my life," whether it's your kids, your coworkers. And so for you, what got you connected to thinking about that in these different assessments?
Eric Thomas: So right now what we call it is extreme execution. Because exactly what you say, I realize love is not enough, like good is never enough like you really have to execute at an extreme level, to keep stuff, you know what I'm saying?
So for me, it was Chris Daniels, he was the first one to introduce me to these personality assessments to DISC, and I took it in. I thought I was doing it like everybody else were doing it, but a doctor who I had gone to for years was like, "Yo, E, your facilitation is different, it's like the test but the way you facilitate it —"
And to your point, I went to Australia, they speak English, I've been to London they speak English, I've been to Louisiana they speak English, but it's different English! It's English but it's a different dialect, the choice, the wordplay is different.
And I realized in life, when you say "Love" you mean something totally different when you say "Love" than when I say "Love". When I say "Love", I mean playing Uno, going to the beach, driving in the car at sunset.
When Dede says it, she means we are going to build the church, you know what I am saying, like physically, drywall, she means mop, she means clean it, she means spring cleaning, Dede means picking weeds. I mean, "Let's spend time together." Dede says, "Work." So we had to, like what does love mean to you, what does love mean to me? Dede's is paying the bills and making sure you pay bills, it's keeping the house clean.
For me it's, "Who cares about the house, it's not a museum. Let's watch Netflix and chill." It means something totally different but we want to accomplish the same thing and this partnership and this friendship and this accomplishing things, but their language is different.
And so I had to learn, "What does that mean Dede, you not having your father in your life? What does that mean for a girl who was not raised by her father? You know your father, you see him on the weekends, but what does it mean not to have him physically in the house? What does it mean when your mom raised you and your mom raised you to be a worker?"
What does it mean, Eric, when your biological father wasn't in your life but your mother was and then your mom marries and now this person becomes— What does it mean to be raised by somebody who's not your biological father? What does that mean emotionally?
And so we have to really sit down and talk about what was your experience? Why are you shaped the way you are shaped, and what are your expectations? Because I think that's the problem with love, like we say, "I love you" but what does that mean? And we don't know what the expectations are.
Then it came to a point where I was like, "Yo, D, some of those expectations are wrong. I'm not wired like that." Which is what I teach in Extreme Execution, I'm not wired to do that so you can't expect me to do something I'm not wired up, but what's the compromise? How do we find a middle ground?
So I think it's about what do you mean when you say love? What do you mean when you say loyalty? What do you mean when you say integrity? What do all those words mean? And then once I know what it means, from that point forth, I think we can build a solid foundation.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, man, that's just profound, really. So where, so this is Extreme Execution and you guys have been integrating this into a lot of events and we'll put up on the screen for everybody to see this watching on YouTube, where they can go check out more information. And I'm assuming, well, I'm pretty sure, we're going to be in Mexico.
Eric Thomas: Mexico this year. It was Jamaica last time.
Shawn Stevenson: Phenomenal Life 2020, we'll be talking about that as well.
Eric Thomas: No questions asked. And I'm talking about going deep because like I said, one of the things that test shows is, "Wow, Dede's father wasn't in her life." And it was just her and her mom. So I didn't realize, Shawn, one of the biggest challenges we had was how we dealt with challenges. And I would be very emotional with my approach. Dede was just facts.
And so we would get into it because Dede would be like, "Why are you screaming?" I'm like, "Screaming? I'm passionate" Like, "You haven't seen in YouTube videos? You tell me all the time when I'm in the house, 'Be quiet, calm down.'"
And I think what happened was when we would get into a discussion, the test revealed Dede wasn't raised by her father so she wasn't used to having a man in her presence. And number 2, she was an only child so it was just her and her mom, so like, "Me and my mom never argued".
So you go from community where, a home where they never argued, it was like mom and daughter, it was like best friends and then you get into a relationship where now I'm super passionate, whatever and I'm trying to explain to my wife,
"I've never cussed at you a day in my life. I've never put my hands on you a day in my life", like some of the things that I saw coming up and I grew up in a beautiful home where my parents did cuss.
And so there were some things that my parents did that I don't do, but I'm thinking I'm taking it from a 10 of maybe a 4, and I think I'm doing something Shawn, and my wife is at a 0. So a 4 to her is escalated because she didn't grow up, and so like studying the tests and putting our test side by side, it's like, "Oh, so when I deal with my wife I can't be passionate, because to her that's arguing."
And this may sound weird, but we actually created an exercise that when we do have to talk about something as a challenge, we literally get into bed or going to couch, and we put the cover over our bodies.
And no there's no, whatever. And now she's looking straight ahead, I'm looking straight ahead, and we're just talking about the situation, so as no body, because you know, body language is what, about 70 percent of communication?
So you've got to think about how I communicate, so I don't think this is loud, but to her all of this is like, "You are in my face, you're loud." So about putting the cover over and talking, it's like, man, de-escalated 100 percent.
And so we did that for a few months and now when I'm in a car, I'm pretending that I'm in the bed with a cover on and I'm making sure that my body language isn't hyper— you know. And it's changed.
We haven't had an argument in about a year and a half, we had one a couple of weeks ago that was Jalen, some stuff with the wedding and I figured out what I was doing wrong with that too. I'm about to make that adjustment as well.
It's like she had never asked for my opinion, she told me how much money we needed to donate and I'm like saying what I think, and she's like, "No, no, I never asked you for your opinion, I just told you that when this money goes out of the account, you just know that it wasn't a fraud."
So I messed up, I gave my opinion, it took about 12 minutes and I realized, "Okay E, Dede is a high D, so she's factual. You're a High I so you're emotional. She never asked for your emotions."
She just said, "This is what was going to happen," she made a decision and I should have just honored that decision and move forward but we'll talk about that offline.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, man, that's profound. And I'm hearing so many similarities like I grew up in a house where all we did was yell, that's just how we communicated. And then my wife, total opposite, like none of that.
And so very early on, same thing, and even now it's just a couple weeks ago I was saying something and she was like, "Huh? Wait, wait a minute," I was like, "I'm on 0."
Eric Thomas: I'm on 0.
Shawn Stevenson: I'm on 0 like we just talked and she's like, "No, you're talking," you know what I'm saying? But man, it's just, it's so beautiful because I think there's a part, and I got to ask you about this, where you start to think, "Well, does she want me to change? Is she trying to change me, because I like me, I feel good about the person that I am." So how do you navigate that?
Eric Thomas: I think it's a balance, let me just give an example with the whole opinion. So I realized that I had gotten with my wife about the wedding because of my opinion. My son hadn't gotten into it because that was about my opinion.
And what my wife ended up expressing to me was, "Eric, this is not your wedding. This is the young lady's wedding, it just has nothing to do with you. And this isn't even about our son, this is her day, she gets one day and we want to make sure it's a perfect day.
So nobody's really, nobody really cares about what you think, not in a bad way, but at the end of the day, you don't get to make a decision about somebody's perfect day. They make the decision about their perfect day."
So I realized in this situation, Shawn, Dede's absolutely right, you shouldn't even have an opinion. So it's not about changing me, it's about allowing me to use my strengths when it's appropriate. "Your opinions are not appropriate with somebody else's wedding, maybe when you and I would get married, you'd have a little say, but you would not have a whole bunch of say in there either, because it's my day."
And so I realized, when it comes to what time I wake up in the morning, that's my opinion, like what I eat. I have an opinion about Eric Thomas, so I can get up as early as I want to get up, go to bed as late as I want to get up.
I can eat whatever I want to eat, exercise but it's like your opinions work for you and here's a second-place where your opinion is worth— when you're asked when somebody asks you for your opinion.
It's an appropriate time to make a comment, but if nobody asked you your opinion and you give it when you're not asked, then you're overusing it.
Or if somebody asked you for your opinion you kind of shy away, "I don't know if I want to give it," you're underusing it. So it's not about changing who I am, it's about helping me to use my superpower when it's appropriate, not just randomly whenever I want to use it.
So to your point, my wife said, "We're moving to San Diego, this is a major purchase. As a high D, I'm going to let you make the decision." Dede is a High D but she's like, "No, you take this one because you're more of a dreamer than I am".
And in the last 2 homes, I made the decisions and I kind of was frugal. And so guess what she said? "You make the decision. Now here's where your opinion is valid," and it's like, "Okay E, go to work."
But I'm sure when we start picking the comforters, when we start picking some of the colors on the wall, she's probably going to go, "I do that better than you so let me do that, but your man cave, go forth, the garage go forth, but these areas I'm not asking for your opinion."
So I think it's not about compromising who you are, it's about knowing what your strengths are and not just randomly using them but using them in a way that's going to be beneficial for your relationship.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, and that's if the whole world was operating like that we'd be on a whole different level. And I love the fact, because again, we didn't have these things coming up, and so you are really at a place where you're making it a mission to instill this in our kids as well, and so you just gave me a copy—
And this is a thing about you, because I love you, you're the first person that I've had on while reading the book because I know that this book is the bomb and so I just started reading it as we were sitting here and man, of course, I showed my wife who's here with me today too, but this is something special.
This is something special, thank you, man. So I get one of the first copies, and it's really, this is gear for middle school and high school kids to start to teach somebody's lesson specifically about tapping into your superpower.
Eric Thomas: And I'll be honest. It's a very simple read, it's in an animated form, there are some adults— like and I'm not saying this because I'm saying, C.J. read it, it was like, "Yo, E, stop saying it's for middle school and high, like some adults never got taught."
So this is for them, but it's 'You're Ain't The Boss of Me" and here's the idea. So I had a girl in my church, Shawn, who was about 3, heard her name is Akaya, she's about 3.
And Akaya used to always say to adults, I used to want to whip her in the beginning because I was like, "You're being disrespectful," but Akaya was like, "You're not the boss of me, just because you're an adult and you go to this church, you can't boss me around, you can't tell me I got to go to Bible study or I can't go to the bathroom", she was a 3-year-old but she was strong.
She used to always say, "You're not the boss of me, you're not the boss of me." So then I started going to middle schools and high schools and kids would be like, "You're not my daddy, don't talk to me like that."
And so I said to them, "How many of you guys hate being told what to do?" 90 percent raised their hand, "We hate being told what to do." I said, "What the reality is, you will never be the boss of you if you don't know your superpower. If you don't know your strengths.
And if you don't know what your lane in life is and how to use that to your advantage, someone else is going to boss you around. So if you get kicked out of school you are going to be working at McDonald's or Burger King and guess what are they going to do— they are going to tell you what to do.
You'll end up doing the wrong thing and go to juvie or go to jail, guess what they are going to do— they're going to tell you when to wake up when to go to bed, what to eat, when to shower.
So if you really want to be the boss of you, you can't be the boss of you until you master you. And how can you master you if you don't know who you are?" So I'm like, "If you're in middle school or high school you need to discover who you are.”
So if you are a High D, you probably want to be in the driver's seat, you're a pilot and you want to be in a driver seat, so you need to be a judge or a lawyer, like a project manager, like a director, something that is going to put you in the driver's seat.
If you are a High I, you're like me a flight attendant and you are very emotional, a people-driven person so you are going to be a comedian, on the mic, like entertainment, hospitality.
So I was like, "Guys, read the book, find out what you are and once you find out what you are, lock into that, find out what your purpose is." And why do you have to wait—
I hate when kids tell me, I'm taking the SAT for example in school, I'm like, "When do you start to study?" "In 11th grade." "Well you take it in the 11th grade, why would you start studying in 11th grade?" "Well, because they told us we take it in 11th grade." "Why didn't you start when you were in elementary school? You know you had to take this test? Why didn't you start in middle school?"
Why do we wait, Shawn, until we're 21 or 30 to start doing self-discovery? And so the book is like, if you're 10, start finding out who you are, take these personality tests, get online instead of doing social media and follow people on Instagram, like follow you, like ask your parents where you come from, do some research, like, "What's the gift that I have, what's the talent?"
And then go to Google, go to a library, I know that's always Google, go to the library and literally start studying about that. Find other people who are doing what you're doing as adults and start crafting your own life at 10, at 14, at 16.
Stop saying, "Nobody taught me that" or "I didn't get that from my environment." Because unlike us, you do have access to social media now. So unlike us, whatever neighborhood we grew up in, everybody had the same jobs, pretty much, everybody drove the same cars.
We live in a society now where if you are in poverty you can see what wealth looks like, like you can get online, you could travel to Africa, you could travel to Bermuda, you could travel wherever, online.
So I'm saying since you're studying everything else, study yourself and find out who you are and then use that to become your own boss.
Shawn Stevenson: Man, man, man, so true, man. Man, like this is, it's so profound because for me, when you were telling the story, I grew up literally the first job at McDonald's, fast food. And I'm a high D, so when I took the assessment and literally even there, I didn't want to conform to what the standard was.
Eric Thomas: You weren't born to.
Shawn Stevenson: I was supposed to be back there flipping burgers I'm like making my own type of sandwich, like, "No, this is better." Like, "People didn't come here for your sandwich, Shawn." You know what I am saying? But I'm just like, "You guys don't understand."
Eric Thomas: You were wired to be in control. You know, which is why you have your own phenomenal show and doing a phenomenal job at it, why— because you do get to decide, you do get to make the decisions.
And kids who are High Ds are having a hard time in school because they never get a position to lead, and they've got to sit there from the age of 5 to 18 and never use their superpowers. I'm telling teachers in the book, "Yo, would it be hard for you to give a kid 10 minutes, it's a 50-minute class.
Give them 10 minutes to lead the instruction and you'll see a different kid." The I who's bouncing and all over the place and you say, "You're too talkative, you talk too much." Well, that's what they said about me now I'm the number one motivational speaker in the world. I can't talk enough.
So give the talkative kid 5 to 10 minutes in the class to teach. Why do you as a teacher have to dominate the whole 50 minutes, an hour? Help them to realize what their gifts are and then put them to use.
And even with the book, man, I wish I had this before I got married because while I thought my wife was a great human and fine, I was attracted to who she was but didn't know who she was.
And had I had this test when I was 19 and got married, I could have realized, "Dede's not trying to be bossy, she's not trying to disrespect you, she's not trying to make all the decisions, she was born, she's a High D, she was born to lead."
And once I realized like, "Yo, this is her superpower," that's like being mad at Superman because he flies or because he's faster than a locomotive like that's what he is. And so once I realized what Dede was, I started putting her in her position where we go to the bank, it's so funny Shawn, I remember being a High I, like I care about how people feel.
We'd go to the bank we have to take care of business, it's not about making the teller or making the person at the bank feel good, like let Dede at them, we're trying to get the best interest rate, we're trying to get the best hookups, it like who cares if they're upset or not, like, "Dede, go at it!"
But before Dede would be very stern and like, "I need to see the numbers," and I'd be like, "D, you're going a bit too much," like, "Make the person feel comfortable."
And I realize now you buying a home, you don't need to make them feel comfortable, they've got a job to do, you want to make sure that they're not too comfortable so that they're dotting all the I's and crossing all the T's.
But when I was young, I used to look at her as being mean, now I realize she's a High D, Shawn, I realize, "Man, I married a decision-maker, I married a boss!"
At the end of the day, she's a boss, so I'm letting her loose now to do her thing, she's letting me loose and do my thing. She's saying, "We go to a party. E, you're right, I'll buy a card, but you write all the gooey stuff in the card. I'll get us to the event, but you speak at the funeral," or, "You speak at the wedding."
And now we're taking our best gifts and our best energy and resources and we're putting them in the use. When we were in our twenty's because we didn't know these stuff, we were butting hands and we saw each other's opposites, but we realized we are the perfect complement, if that makes sense.
Shawn Stevenson: Absolutely. That's where the superheroes come together.
Eric Thomas: That's what they do, right.
Shawn Stevenson: That's the Avengers, man, that's so powerful. And another thing that I'm really excited about in the work that you're doing, you've been doing for many years, when you came to St. Louis a few years back and you had your paid event and they sold out event, it was incredible.
But people don't see when you go to all those schools when you come into town. I think you went to like a detention center, you went also to like Vashon, some of the schools that are, you know what I am saying, I grew up around.
And you created one of most viral videos from that experience, but you're getting out there and you're doing the work nobody's paying you to do, nobody's talking about to get out and connect with our kids.
And for me, a lot of times today especially, those kids who are the high D that just want to have some responsibility in a leadership role and they want to do things a little differently, they get diagnosed, they're a problem child, they're ADHD and some, of course, there are conditions, there are situations where there is some chemical imbalance.
Eric Thomas: And I'm sure not as much as—
Shawn Stevenson: No, today it's epidemic, it's epidemic. And so just I'm going to put in the show notes, guys, I did an episode with John Gray who wrote "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" specifically talking about ADHD, so we'll put that in the show notes, but it's understanding our children.
And also you're training the adults, the faculty members, the teachers. I have I would have been in the same class, my teacher Miss Norman, 4th grade I'll never forget her, she gave me 10 minutes every Friday to stand up in front of the class, you know what I am saying?
Eric Thomas: To be the boss. Be what you are.
Shawn Stevenson: Exactly, to perform, whether I was going to sing a song, do some stand-up, whatever. It's so crazy you know, but I kind of suppressed that a little bit because once I'd left that those conditions where I was being paying attention to, I had to try to conform and then I struggled.
But then thankfully, I had a lot of different exposures where I was like, "Okay, I get this system." And so then I started to thrive as a student, but the other part of me, that's why I asked you earlier about, I want to make sure that we're not suppressing our gifts, it's using them when they're appropriate.
Eric Thomas: That's it, that's what I say. People say stress weakens us, no, no, no, not stress that weakens us, it's overusing, underusing, and we've got to learn and that as a man of health, I think you would appreciate this.
But this is the analogy I give, some people cook broccoli too fast and it's hard; some people overcook it and it's soggy. You've got to know exactly when to pull broccoli out. Boil egg, you cook it too soon or too fast, it comes out runny; you overdo it, it's got to brown, burned stuff; if you do it just right it comes out perfect.
And we've got to learn first to find out what our gifts are, the people that we love, that are close to us, what their gifts are and then we've got to teach them how to use them appropriately so that Superman is a hero and not a villain.
Because you've got the dark Superman, you've got the positive Superman and we've got to learn that we can either be superheroes or villains based on how we use our—
You look at Hitler, you can't take away the fact that he was talented, he was a leader. You can't take that fact away from him, some other people we could name, that people would look at them go, "Monsters."
But these were very talented people, you can't say that they aren't talented, just perhaps they might use their talent in a way that's a little bit more destructive.
You look at Martin Luther King a leader, just like Hitler, both were leaders. But he used his leadership to free and bring equality to a group of people. So when I look at it's like you can't overuse, you can't underuse, but you've got to find that perfect balance like a Mother Teresa, that perfect balance that helps people and that's not destructive.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah. And so guys, first of all, pick this up for yourself and for your kids but also if you know any educators, you need to have this book, so it's "You Ain't The Boss of Me" and people can pick this up at etinspires.com
Eric Thomas: I'd say go to etinspires.com, they can go there and that's like the one-stop-shop, everything, ET and ETA associates.
Shawn Stevenson: This is such great stuff, we've got so much more to come in this episode. Sit tight, we've got a quick break coming up we'll be right back.
I was just riding in the car with my family it was my wife and my 2 sons, Jorden who is 19 and my youngest son Braden who is 8. And Jorden was talking about how in his last year of high school he was getting that coffee hitter, like I had no idea that from time to time he would pick up a little bit of that crackbucks, Starbucks.
And he was just like, because he's not really one of those people that likes coffee necessarily, but he was just like, "Some days, you know dad, you like get up and you are just like, 'Well, not today', but then you have that coffee and you're like, 'Today, today is the day'."
And it's so funny because when I was in high school I never saw anybody drink coffee, but before Jorden got his first car, I'd drop him off at school every day and I would see the students just walking in, holding their crackbucks cups, right. It's just like it's being bred into our culture at younger and younger ages.
But the reality is, cultures throughout the world have been enjoying and utilizing coffee for centuries, right, and in childhood. And it's only recently that this mass production. mass quantity, lower quality has become so pervasive.
And so now, not only are you getting the conventional coffee, but you're also getting a lot of toxicity along with it, the mold, the pesticides, the herbicides and this is creating an atmosphere where the benefits, the potential benefits of coffee are now going down and people are just going to it because it's a source of caffeine or it's a source of sugar, right.
Because a lot of people don't even truly enjoy coffee, they love the stuff that's in it, right, the sugar and the cream and those things. But for me, and what I've been really directing people to because I was just not a fan of coffee, is let's get coffee but let's upgrade it, tremendously, by utilizing some of these powerful medicinal mushrooms along with the coffee.
And I do that through Four Sigmatic, and their incredible mushroom formulas, their mushroom coffee. Now when people hear about mushroom coffee, medicinal mushrooms, they might come out, "Well, what kind of mushrooms are those, Shawn?"
I'm not talking about psychedelic mushrooms, I'm not talking about culinary mushrooms; I am talking about the category of medicinal mushrooms. These mushrooms have been utilized, again, literally for centuries and this one, in particular, has documentation from over 2,000 years ago with Cordyceps and now today, what is so beautiful is that we have our clinical evidence to affirm the efficacy that our ancestors knew about many, many centuries ago.
And so this was a study and this was published recently in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, tested 30 healthy test subjects for 6 weeks to record the effects of Cordyceps on their performance in their sport.
And the group that added Cordyceps to their daily regiment had twice the oxygen intake of the control group and this oxygen again is essential for supplying nutrients to your cells, for preventing fatigue and buildup of lactic acid. And another study done by the same group showed that there was an overall 9 percent increase in aerobic activity, in aerobic performance from taking and utilizing Cordyceps.
Now, this is a real whole food, Earth grown nutrient sourced ingredient, this isn't a hyper stimulant which caffeine in and of itself can be. And what Four Sigmatic was able to do is to reduce the amount of caffeine and add in another natural adaptogen and supporter of your energy that really helps to create this balanced energy.
You'll never have those crashes or these strange, crazy coffee jitters that you can get when you utilize Four Sigmagic. So pop over there, check them out, get your hands on some, like yesterday. It's foursigmatic.com/model, that's F-O-U-R-S-I-G-M-A-T-I-C.com/model, you get 15 percent off the Cordyceps coffee.
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Wow, like you can't get that from crackbucks, but you can get that from Four Sigmatic. Alright, so pop over there, check them out, foursigmatic.com/model for 15 percent off everything. If you're not a fan of coffee, they've got the mushroom coffees and they're just straight mushroom elixirs as well, so whether it's Cordyceps, Lion's Mane, Reishi, you can get the real thing.
Dual extracted, you're not getting this from other companies, they are doing a hot water extract and an alcohol extract to actually get all the nutrients you're looking for. Alright, so pop over there, check them out, foursigmatic.com/model. Now back to the show.
Shawn Stevenson: You know, I want to ask you about something you mentioned earlier, and I don't want to pass this up because this goes into the relationship context and also talking about your son getting married. It's really important to focus on making the marriage better than the wedding, right?
Eric Thomas: Absolutely.
Shawn Stevenson: So first of all, but once the marriage starts to take place, one of those things that you dealt with, and I'm just curious to hear this because it's a very similar story as well, is you mentioned Dede came up in a circumstance where there was a job, there was a 9 to 5, that's how you get your money.
And then you're like, "Well, I'm actually an entrepreneur and we're going to make money this way." So how did, because now she's changed her approach to, but what took, what was the, because I know there are people who are in the same spot, like, "I want to do these different things but my significant other is like, no that's not going to work."
So what did you guys do? Or what did you do to help to get her on board with what you're doing?
Eric Thomas: We need 3 shows to answer that. But here's the first thing I had to do. I had to realize that my wife, because she didn't have the same perspective I had, wasn't my enemy.
Early in the game, Shawn, I think things didn't work out as soon as they could have because I saw her resistance as opposing me. I saw it as like, "Oh, you don't believe in me?" Like, "I can't believe you don't believe in me."
And I had to realize that, and I am going through this with my son right now, I'm my wife to my son, and it's like I see where when you oppose a person, because we're not always looking at the details, like I'm a High I, so I'm a big-picture dude, I'm not looking at some of the details, it's almost as if you are against me because you don't see it the way I see it.
And what I begin to appreciate about Dede was, Dede was like, "Yo, I'm not against you at all, but you have to show me how—" I remember I came home I made 10 grands, Shawn that was like, "Yo, he got 10 grand, like let's go."
And she was like, "Phenomenal, but, 10 grand, for how many months are you going to be able to do this in a row? I have no problem with the fact that you brought home 10 grand, but if you want me to just change everything, all the dynamics, everything we've been doing because you made 10,000 like I can't do that. But if you can show me how these 10,000 is consistent—"
Now here is what blew my mind, I ended up getting a job at Michigan State University and I was probably not even bringing home $3500 a month and she was super excited. And I'm thinking like, "Whoa, how are you excited when I bring home 3,500 but not when I showed you 10,000?"
And she was like, "Oh, no, no, no, it's not the value. You bring a whole 3,500 every month, at least I can measure that. I know how to spend. If you make $10,000 one month and you don't make them again for another 4 months, there is no way for me to measure that". And her being a High C as well, she's very structured and systematic, she measures twice cuts once.
She was like, "I can't measure something that happens sporadically, but if it's consistent even if it's small, you can measure it." And so I started to realize, "Oh, she's not against me, she actually wants me to succeed, but she's asking me where is the system."
And all she is saying is, “Add to your gift some systems, like you don't have a bank account, you don't have a 501C3, you didn't go to the Chamber of Commerce, you don't have business cards, you don't have a website. At this point it's not a business, it's a hobby the way you're doing it.
So while you're gifted, the system isn't as gifted as you are, so let's just say Eric, you look at yourself as a 10, as a speaker. Well the structure or the infrastructure, the business infrastructure is a 0 or 1. So if you can get that up to at least a 6 or a 7, I can jump on board, but I can't jump on board when all I see is talents. Where is the infrastructure?"
So when I got on one of the core with Dede was like, "Oh, I get it, you're just saying you want to see how this thing is going work, like where is the taxes, you're not paying taxes off this money. Eric we're going to get in trouble with the government, what are you doing?"
Shawn Stevenson: Wesley Snipes.
Eric Thomas: She's like, "I don't see, I just don't see, I see your gift causing us more problems than I see it elevating us and helping us to reach our dreams and goals."
So then once I was like, "Oh, she's like the coach and I'm the player, the coach isn't going off because he's calling a timeout and bringing to your attention the things that you're doing wrong on the court, he said, "I'm not interested in you scoring, we said we're going to win a championship. So where's the defense? We put a plan together, where is that plan?"
And so once I put the plan together, started working on the plan, I started seeing Dede say, "Okay, okay, now we've got a plan. He's got a website, now he has an agent, so if you call there's a number that goes that when you call, and then somebody calls you back. Okay, good, I can see it, okay, now he's got a business account, okay, I can see him doing his, okay, now I got it."
And so as I begin to start building that infrastructure and she can see the consistency of the engagement, it's, "Oh, he doing a 7 a month that is payed, and then 15 that are not, but I'm okay with the 15 that are not getting paid because I can see through that, that's where his heart and his love is, but I can see his discipline. Oh, he is getting up at 3 o'clock in the morning every day without having a boss?
Oh, because before he was getting up whenever he wanted to get up and playing video games and I would come home and he didn't have a gig, him and his boys were playing video games or watching football but now, even when he doesn't have gigs, he's still got a schedule. He's still getting up in the morning, he's going to the library reading books. Oh, he's serious serious."
And so I think when my wife saw the talent and business acumen go up, she became a little bit more comfortable, a little bit more comfortable than when I became like number 10, number 5, number 1.
She's like, "Oh, I could quit my job now, he's paying for the kids to go to school with cash, my kids I didn't have to take out a loan, he's got insurance in case something happens. Okay, I can see he's mature if he passes or he loses his voice.
We have insurance and so we can cover. Okay, the house is paid off. Okay, I can see now he has a business mind, and he just doesn't have a talent."
And I think in the beginning when she heard entrepreneurship she saw the talent part but she didn't see the business structure that goes with.
As a matter of fact, she saw a wantepreneur, she didn't see an entrepreneur. But when the business started, she's like, "Now that's an entrepreneur, before you were just a wantepreneur."
Shawn Stevenson: Right, right, right. We got to realize we're not Steve Jobs, we need to have proof of concept, we want people to believe in us before we even have the thing, you know what I'm saying?
And I'm saying Steve Jobs because it just jumped into my mind, he used to be like, "People don't know what they want, I'm going to show them." He's a unicorn like you need proof of concept, you need consistency because it's the same language man.
Me and my wife used to get into it, and I would say these specific words, "You're not with me." Oh man, that would really piss her off. And she was like, "My whole life is revolved around you, you know what I am saying."
But it was because of those pieces, she works on, she operates on certainty. When she met me though I was an entrepreneur she's still kind of like, "What is going on? You're working with people in the gym," but I'm keeping my thing.
But now she runs our business, but it was getting to a place of like seeing that consistency, me taking care of the basic necessities where the same thing, I'm willing to take a risk to help people. But she's like, "No, you got to keep our foundation right, then you could—"
Eric Thomas: Then you can go and help.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah. So that really—
Eric Thomas: So I'm not alone.
Shawn Stevenson: No man, this was before we met, and it is so crazy and I'm curious, oftentimes people, those opposites come together and I think it's really interesting.
Eric Thomas: I don't think it's opposites.
Shawn Stevenson: Complements.
Eric Thomas: As I said to you before, I believe it's complements. If you marry you, I'm saying, you'd have this whole gap, but when we both got our back, there is no gap. I put my back against your back, you put your back against mine and we're fighting, we've got every angle covered.
But from this way we don't necessarily have the angles covered. So if you get with somebody who is exactly identical to you then you leave so you've got this D and this I and if you get another D and an I, where you have all work-related but you don't have the love in a relationship and the experience, so when you put the relationship person in there, they're going to cover all of that and then the test people are going to be,
"You've got the extroverts, 2 extroverts could be dangerous, but you got the extrovert who's just out there and an introvert who's reflective and thinking, man, you've got a perfect combination".
And when I look at you, you know, you are that guy that's boom, boom, boom, but man, your wife is definitely, I always see her in the cut, chilling, like looking, analyzing, reflecting, synthesized, and she's like putting it all together.
So just imagine you had 2 people just willing to jump off the bridge, you'd both probably be off the bridge, but you got one person on a bridge is willing to take risk and daring, and the other person could talk that person down and say this is what we need to do.
So I don't see it as opposites, I see it as like you said, it's a puzzle and when we put our pieces together we make a picture that alone we couldn't make.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, yeah. And I think now, and I want to shift gears because this is the main reason I was really looking forward to talking to you today, is I'm seeing this now with my kids, my oldest son, and my daughter, they were with me in the beginning, I was young, college student, one-bedroom apartment. I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor barely being able to pay bills, food.
And when they stayed with me they were sleeping on an air mattress that had a hole in it, so they go to bed they elevated, they wake up they are on the floor. And so they've been with me through that process and so my daughter and my son Jorden still lives with me, and he is starting college now but he's, it's so amazing to see this, like the quality of his consciousness and even asking me for things.
He's like thinking about, "How can I earn it?" And it's like, it's crazy like even if we go out, we just went to the mall the other day, I'm like trying to tell him like, he's like, "No, no, that's okay, dad." You know what I'm saying?
But my son Braden, he doesn't have a concept except luxury and comfort and happiness, like that's what he sees in the home. And he's got a big antenna up for seeing discord between my wife and I, any conflict in the house, he's very much against that.
It's really enabled us to grow more, of course, having him, but I'm curious and I want to ask you about this, because Jamal, for both of us, has really cemented this idea of generational wealth.
Eric Thomas: Absolutely.
Shawn Stevenson: Something we didn't see, we really changed the course of our family's life right. But what do we do for our kids to, because my son doesn't have to deal with the conflict that I did, my mom would, like I better not come back crying somebody don't hit me or whatever, you better get out there and fight. You've got your big wheel stole, so we don't have those conditions.
So how do we develop, help our kids to still develop the character, to develop the persistence, to develop the bigger thinking for them to create a life for themselves?
Eric Thomas: Here's what I've just discovered and it's been rough with my oldest, it's been rough because exactly what you're saying is like I almost felt as if it was the spirit of entitlement.
But we had a heart to heart talk a few years ago and he pretty much said to me, "It's your fault, dad," like pretty much, he was asking me to have this grit but I wasn't put in situations where I had to fight.
So you want me to have this grit but I don't have, I didn't have grit opportunities. You want me to have this resiliency, but what did I have to bounce back from, you know what I am saying. I don’t have a student loan so I don't know fast four I drove a 745 Li my sophomore year in college I was with the basketball program.
So we traveled and doing our thing, like I didn't have, "I wasn't homeless" is what he said, "I wasn't homeless, I have my own room". We ate on reg, so one of the things that happened for me I was like, "Alright, got it. Take ownership for what you could take ownership of, Eric. I got it, I understand exactly what he is saying.
So now what you need to do, Eric, is not the fighting that made you what you are, because other people fought and they went to jail. So they went overboard. So it's not the fight that got you there but it is some opportunity of conflict that you have to get through.
So what you need to do is you need to put your son in situations where he's going to have to deal with conflict, and you know what those are".
So like what he's going through right now is trying to get an apartment off his own income. He tried to get it on his own, he is like, "Dad I'm unable to—" well the first apartment he got, he got off of my credit.
So now he's trying to get one off his own, it's a fight because he's like, "Dad, they say I'll make enough money but you told me I made this much, but you made that much." So again, Shawn, it's one of those situations where, "Yeah you made this but I've been blessing you, so you really aren't making that."
So but before I'm like, "Yo, you know, you never knew, you know, and I'm not coming to rescue you because you never really cared about what you may and what that meant in terms of, you know on your W-9, like you never were in those situations, so guess what I'm going to do this time, right, wrong or different, I don't care how you see it, I'm about to make you go through the conflict.
You're about to meet with this realtor, you can go back and forth, back and forth, and she told you you can't get it and now you're calling me and you go back, and I'm out of it.
This is your conflict, this is what your conflict looks like, not mine growing up in the projects with my grandma, going to the stores with my cousins, going past pimps and dope addicts and prostitutes, that's not yours.
But you are going to go through conflict, you don't have to go through what I went through, but you have to go through conflict." And so I just hit him up before he was like, "I can't talk right now I'm walking."
I'm like, "Bet, you're walking, it's conflict and now you're trying to meditate, going your mind, pray, whatever you're doing to get on the other side of this conflict. You are getting married, it's some conflict between— as you and your fiancé, you are different people trying to work stuff out, so I'm no longer going to save you from the conflict.
And so something happened with my daughter, and my daughter is a little different, my daughter is the one who's like, "I got to earn it", but there are still things that she's going through and she went to New York on her own, conflict, she went to New York on her own, that's conflict with our home girls.
So they wanted to go on a break during the summer, I'm like, "Go for it." I'm like normally my agent calls, we got a car pick you up, we do the whole thing. And so my daughter was kind of like going through it with the hotel things, like, "Dad, they did not let me, I used my card, my card didn't work because it's a debit," and so I'm letting you check into a hotel of your own and my wife was like, "I can't believe she can't check into a hotel, she's 21."
I'm like, "Sweetheart, we've always checked in, like whenever we've gone to a hotel since they were kids, we got that suite and a door that opens and they come in, so she's never had to physically swipe her card.
So you're thinking, "How in the world could she not know how to—" but guess what, the first time we stayed in a hotel, our parents weren't the ones, we were the ones. So we've been doing this for years, hotwire we had no money, hot wire trying to figure out how to get the cheapest but the greatest quality.
I'm like, "She's always just come with her luggage. So now she got to check in on her own, she's gone back and forth but she got to figure out. And so I feel like we have to do a better job when they have to go through conflict of not rescuing them here from the conflict but saying, "You know what, I am going to provide for you, I do want there to be generational wealth.
I don't think the problem is generation wealth. I think we've confused generational wealth and taking the conflict from them as well, that's what we've done wrong. So we've done wrong with money, money, money, money, each generation needs to have more money, but you need to be responsible.
And some of the, C.J. said it, you got a housekeeper so you've taking away from Trey the opportunity to clean his room, to be responsible. So C is like, "I got to rethink this now.
There's nothing wrong with having her, I understand why you have a person coming to clean because all over the world you're doing your thing, you have no time, you don't want to put that on Candice, put on little man don't know where his stuff is because the cleaning lady is putting, he is like, "Dad, the cleaning lady moved my, I don't know what she did with it."
So we got to be careful, yes we teach them generational wealth but do not take the conflict from them, do not take certain responsibilities away from them. So yes, we should be generous but Jayda should have been checking in her own room.
Jalen should have been getting a rental car on his own. You know what I'm saying? He shouldn't have just went and jumped in it. So I don't think there's anything wrong with generational wealth but I think some basic responsibility stuff that I teach my kids I shouldn't have taken those away from them.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, yeah and now again, you get to share those lessons with us because a lot of us, there's no handbook for parenting, that's any exact, you know. But the reason that I wanted to talk about this is I was just at an event the other day and there was a teacher, he's a teacher here in LA, and he's been in the field for maybe 15, 20 years.
And when he started his career he was at an inner-city I think South Central, he's like the children there, their conflict was getting to school safely, gangs, metal detectors, conflicts at home. Now he's at a private school and he's seeing a whole different level of conflict which is like a lot of the kids, they got 1, 2, 3 therapists because of their different issues that they're not really even solving.
And so they're already, the drug problems, like higher-level drug, all these different things, it's like a different set of issues, different types of drugs that he would see here to try to cope. And they get dropped off in their private car, the door was getting open for them. And so I was thinking about how can we find their grace and so I've been really thinking about this.
And a great example and it's so funny, you just mentioned the housekeeper, my son Braden, maybe it was 2 days ago, I'm sitting on a couch, just put in a lot of work and he came over, he's like, "When's the housekeeper coming?"
And I was like, literally the light bulb went off and he was like, "It's kind of getting messy." And literally since then every day I've been having him just pick up stuff, even this morning, I was like, because I caught it, I caught it.
Eric Thomas: But we're not focusing on that though. We're so focused on what we didn't have here and making sure that our kids have what we didn't have that we're forgetting what we did have.
Like our focus is no longer, our focus is making sure, "Okay, we got to make this money," we are entrepreneurs, there's nothing wrong with that. But there's a part of us that is able to do that because of the challenges that we went through and we were able to solve them. So I'm not suggesting that they go through what I went through and you got to go past pimps and dope teens, I'm not, I don't know my kids to go through that.
But because I thought that was the challenge, I saved them from that challenge, now I am keeping away from the other challenges that made me who I am, cutting the grass. And for me it's like cutting the grass, I have my man next door, my boy Mike is killing it. Mike is a firefighter but then on the side he cuts grass, he got it manicured, he got it looking great, guess what, Shawn, I don't have to do as much work when Mike does it the right way.
But to teach Jalen how to do it, who don't want to do it, it's a fight. So I'm like, "No, to save me some trouble let just Mike do it". And I just paid Mike to do it whereas I didn't realize, "No, Jalen needs to do it, and even if Jalen doesn't do it the way Mike does it, Jalen needs to learn the responsibility."
And then maybe Mike can do it once or twice a month to make sure it's tight, tight, maybe Jalen needs to be with Mike when Mike does it. So there are some basic things that I took responsibility for looking back that I was like I shouldn't, and I promise you, my son, I don't want to speak on his behalf because I'm not him, but I will say this to you— I know in this dialogue he's not extremely happy.
I'm reading the texts and it's like, "Dad, you didn't and dad you didn't," and I say to myself, "E, you can easily fix the problem like you always have. Or you could take the hits from your son and let him grow. You take the hits but you let him grow."
And this is not a third world problem in terms of he's making great money, like I can stop right now and say, "I don't care what happened up to this point but from this point forward, economically you're killing the game.
So it may take you a year to prove to them that you're making the money that you say you make, because some of the money that he did make we gave, but then some other one what might have been cash, so you can't really— but a year from now, so you're not going to die, so a year from now you'll be married and your credit and your everything will be straight.
So you're not going to die. And so for me as a father, it's like, go on take the hits of, "Dad I can't believe you did this, you messed up," I'll take them. But in a year you'll be more developed because you're going to go through some challenges that are going to make you even stronger man.
I must say this, man, we must give ourselves and I mean your wife, your community credit. And his challenge, he texted me and said, "Dad can we pray?" And one of the things I said to him, Shawn, was like, "I want to honor you when you feel the spirit of anxiety coming on, you could easily go get drugs.
What you're talking about, you can easily go get alcohol and let that soothe you, the fact that you called me and said let's pray shows me that you are super mature, but you just got to go through, you just got to go through this because it's going to take you to another level of maturity and so I don't want to overlook the fact that easily that spirit of anxiety you have, easily could have turned into, "Let me go get some cocaine, let me go get some Hennessy."
You know what I'm saying, "Let me go take a drug that is going to calm me down". I said, "The fact that you're taking a walk, man, respect, respect; but we've got to get through this though. I still can't pacify you but I do want you to know I honor how you're going through this and not doing it the way that's going to be destructive. Now you've got 2 things you've got to work on once you get past this particular problem.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, that's powerful. And it just got me thinking about Jorden being a little bit older, because what, and I heard you say this multiple times, "I'm going to take the hits", and I want people to really get that because as parents, especially if we're conscious and aware, we don't want our kids to suffer which is that natural tendency, especially if I could do something I do something.
Like Jorden, for example, he's got the routine, he's in there, he's cleaning the kitchen, like cleaning the kitchen, same but we started to get a little bit lax as we go on, because we're just bringing in more people to do stuff because they are a higher-level thing, and we see Braden starting to lag behind a little bit.
And so one of the other things that I've been doing, and I just want to put this out there, I let my son know I love him every day. And my father never hugged me, you know what I am saying.
I hug my son, I let him know I love him, but Braden, whenever he asked me to help him do something, because the thing is too, we can do a quick, we know how to do it and we just do it, knock it out, I literally, because I have to be more patient. With the parenting we have to do this.
And so what I do is, I literally say these words, these are the words he hears from me most often today, "Figure it out." And it's hard sometimes, and he gets a little frustrated, I've got to take the hit like man, am I being a good father, he's got to figure it out. Don't ask me to open anything, like figure it out.
Eric Thomas: And again, that's the part I think that's missing. It's not that we're doing the most. I admire this generation, I've said on multiple occasions going on these cruises and the different events that we do, to see 22-year-olds there, 25-year-olds, I'm like, I get it, what you guys are saying is you don't want to do what the generation past did, and that's they waited until they were 60 and they had an illness or they weren't physically able to enjoy the money that they had, they retired at 65, 70.
You're in your golden years, like you can't, you don't move like you moved when they told you to start his job, they're like, "We're not going to give our best years to G.M we're not going to give our best years to Ford we're not going to give our best years Chrysler I feel the Millennials, they are like, "Yo, we want to go on a cruise while we can walk, while we can run, while we can fly."
I'm like, "I get it, I'm not mad at you."
They don't want to work for $9/hr, they are trying to find the next app or the next whatever invention that's going to make them millionaires. I'm like, I get it. But in the midst of that, hard work is still a part of that equation.
So maybe not the physical work that we're are accustomed to, but guys, you've got to work and I think as I was helping my kids to get to this next level, I thought I was doing them a favor by not having a student loan.
I thought I was doing them a favor, so maybe I should have paid for 70 percent of it, and they should have to pay for 30 percent. Maybe I should have paid for 80 percent and they had to find a way to pay that other 20 percent, maybe that's what I should have done.
Or maybe I should have paid but then you got to do some community service or something. Make up for some of them, I don't know, but what I robbed them of, when I go back and make them take a student loan, I absolutely don't want to be in debt, I don't want them to start their business careers in debt, but I would have you make a connection between somebody had to pay for that, and somebody had to grind to make that happen.
So maybe you don't grind like the person who paid for that but you got to learn the lesson and that's what I think I messed up, is that by doing certain things you didn't get the lesson.
So it's not to be a creator and say this is how you got to get the lesson, but at some point, there has to be a connection between how rewards happen. And the relationship between work.
And by you cutting the grass, by having Mike cut the grass, I didn't necessarily do that, by giving you your mom's car because your mom got a new car just passed a BMW down to you it should have been you have to do something for the car, and I think that's where I messed up, I didn't always make the connection between the work and the reward.
Shawn Stevenson: I love that. And just another example, but when my oldest son Jorden, as mentioned, so we paid for his tuition, he's in a school right now, and I even thought, I really was processing that like should I make him buy his books, how do I go about this so that he feels some of the weight.
My wife is very big on this, and also she doesn't like the fact that she's got to tell him how to do stuff. Like you mentioned, like the hotel key, she's like, "He should know how to do this." It's us creating the conditions.
But one of things that I consciously am doing, and I just mentioned like we went to the mall the other day like that's his opportunity, if he is trying to get something outside of that, like he's got to have, he's going to have to hustle, find his way to buy his food all these different things.
But the great thing about it and like you mentioned with your son just calling like talking about prayer versus medicating himself, for Jorden, he has you know what can I do to make this money, right. So he's thinking in those terms.
So putting our kids in position and I think that this mindset of entrepreneurship or even just changing our financial status I want to talk about this for everybody, because it's really important, and I really want to ask you, because I heard you say that people aren't broke because of money, they're broke because of their mindset.
So what's going on there without our mindset, how can our mindset be the reason that we're not financially successful?
Eric Thomas: Here's a crazy thing— broke people are broke because of what broke people do, because of what you're thinking about. So this is what you do, people who are rich are rich because of what they're thinking about and what they do.
So I don't think about money, I'm moving to California, so the first thing I'm thinking about is, "What gifts do I have and how can I be of service?" You know what I am saying? What gifts do I have? Well, you can write books, so write a book that's going to help a superintendent change her school system around.
So I didn't write a book for $22,99 I sat down and thought about what can I do to help superintendents keep their job for the next 15 years and do a phenomenal job at it? What can I do for a teacher who's really serious in a classroom, like do you understand who you have to be a teacher?
You went to college just like everybody else, you could have taken 3, 4 more classes to be a lawyer or a doctor.
Like you literally, you're thinking about other people when you know you're about to make $43,000 a year for the rest of your life teaching a group of kids from 8 to 3 o'clock you made a sacrifice.
So teachers aren't teach jerks, like they really do care, but don't have the tools. Do you know that 75 percent of public schools are run by white females? So you have white females in an urban school system, they care, you wouldn't be a white female teaching urban kids if you didn't care for them.
The only challenge is you didn't grow up like they grew up, so you have a different perspective than they have. So I'm thinking about, this teachers, white female who all her life, all she wants to do is go into a school and change it, but she doesn't understand where these kids are coming from, what would it take for me to write a book to help her to do what it is she loves to do?
And then how many of those teachers, there might be millions of teaches that have that, so I'm not thinking about $20 an hour or $20 a book, I'm thinking about how can I help a teacher do what she's always wanted to do. I'm going to teach her these 4 personalities and show her what she is and she's probably favoring a kid that's like her, let's think about it, you just said it, most school systems are designed for C's there is systematic structure. That's what schools are.
So if you're a D, you're not structured, you're an I, you're not structured, if you are S you're semi-structures. So the school system itself environmentally is not set up for you to succeed. She doesn't know that because she's a high C.
That's why she became a teacher because she's so structured, lesson plans, 8 to 3, the bell rings. She's a structured person so that's why she decided to be in a structured environment.
But 28 percent which will leave us with what 72 percent, if she's 28, 72 percent of everybody else is not designed to be in this environment that the world has set up. So I am about to change our lives, Shawn, I am about to give her some information that is going to change her life.
So guess what— when I change her life, you don't think she's going to buy the book, you don't she's going to buy the book, the principal is going to buy a book for everybody in the class, you don't think that they are going to take the test?
You don't they are not going to bring me in to consult the students and consult the teachers and show them how to change this environment. So when you're rich you don't think about what you are trying to take, you think about what to give.
And any environment that gives will survive. The Dead Sea is the Dead Sea, not because it doesn't have a body of water, it's the Dead Sea because it doesn't give out, it only takes, so that's why it's dead, it doesn't give out anything.
So poor people are always thinking about, "What can I get, what can I get, what can I get." Nothing grows when you think about just getting. But when you think about giving and you write a book that can help marriages, you write a book that can help father and son, mother and daughter, when you write a book that can help a company, when you write a book that can help every part of society, of course, you're going to be rich.
So Bill Gates is rich because he created a computer that everybody can use, you remember computers were just for business people. Now you got them on your, they're on your lap. A laptop right. You look at Oprah, why is Oprah a billionaire? Because Oprah created a platform for people to come on to share their story. So if Oprah said something about your book, everybody read your book. Why are these people so successful?
They're so successful because they created platforms. Steve Jobs, why was he rich? Because he got a phone, can you imagine not a phone in your car? Like, Shawn, I know most of these Millennials are looking like, I got, my goddaughter is probably 11, I remember when she was 3, she saw the phone on a wall, she's like, "What's that?" I said, "It's the telephone." She said, "Why is it plugged in the wall?" I'm like, "What do you mean," I'm like, "Oh, you were born, you don't get it."
So this guy created a phone, somebody asked me the other day, "Where's your computer", I said, "Because of the phone I don't need a computer." I don't need a computer anymore. So this guy put technology in the whole world in the palm of your hand, why wouldn't he be rich?
But he didn't go, "I want to make a billion dollars." No, he served a billion people. You get it? You want to be a millionaire, you serve millions; you want to be a multi-millionaire, you serve multi-millions. You want to be a billionaire, you serve billions. You want to be a trillionaire, you serve trillions.
But the average person is not wealthy is because they're constantly thinking about money, but when you think about how can you serve the world, well, how ever many people did you serve, look at the videos, they've changed millions of lives and before you know it, I became number one in the world, not because I'm better than those other guys, but because I add so much value to people that they say emotionally, I don't know if they mean, you know, verbally like my wordplay is sweeter than the other guy, they just mean, "Eric changed my life, so he is number one to me.
Because I was going through chemo and radiation and I listened to his stuff that said you could do this, you can get through this, so to me Eric's number one motivational speaker in the world."
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah. Man, listen, listen.
Eric Thomas: We need 3 more shows. Somebody said to me the other day, "You know this is your third time," I was like, "How do you know this?" He said, "Because I want more, but I counted, you did one this year, you did one this year, so this is your third one". I'm like, "Absolutely."
Shawn Stevenson: Absolutely, man, this is so inspiring for me, man, I always take something away.
Eric Thomas: Absolutely, likewise.
Shawn Stevenson: And that, just that phrase, I just want to get that one more time. So did you say how can my gifts make room for me?
Eric Thomas: If I want to make more money I have to think about what gifts do I have, what gives can I give away. And when I plant the seed, that one seed becomes a tree that has many, I don't know, apples, oranges and inside of that one seed I planted is fruit, and inside that fruit is so many seeds.
So you can use some to eat but then take some of them and put them back in the earth so we can make more trees. So when you give your gift away you saw that YouTube started at 2007/ 2008 just is giving these videos away and as a result of giving away, honestly, and I know people won't believe this, it's difficult for me to go to a restaurant where I have some stranger paying for my food.
And the waiter said, they told me not to tell you but they watch your videos and they changed their life.
Hotels people are paying for my hotel room, they find out what city I'm in a paying for my— they are like, "E, my son was down the path of drugs and destruction, he started watching your videos, it changed his life, we just want to say thank." I walked in a hotel the other day, it was cheese and meat and wines, all kind of stuff. I'm like, who set this?
Somebody I said you looked after their wife, you know. So when you start putting that out, that energy out, that's why I tell these young people, be careful with all this gangster stuff, and all this hate stuff, because when you put that energy out, that frequency comes back to you.
But when you operate in those certain frequencies that are positive and love and energy and joy, well that's what's going to come back to you, you're not going to get hate back if you're putting out love.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, yeah so powerful, man. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Eric Thomas: Thank you, my friend.
Shawn Stevenson: And listen, any time you're welcome here on the show, man, and just thank you for giving so much value. And just that insight and the picture of those seeds and the generations then that are going to come from those seeds and how you impact on everybody's life, and their future generations.
Even the people listening right now you're impacting their lives but also their kids' lives and their grandchildren and it's just, it's remarkable man, you are one of those special people, man. Step up and take your gifts seriously and to impact the world, so thank you.
Eric Thomas: And I'm grateful when I was talking to my guy, he's I didn't know Shawn before you and I'm grateful to say that this is not a show episode I am doing, this is a friendship and we're just coming up here chopping it up about what we believe.
So a lot of times when people come on shows, it's like you don't really know them, but for me it's like I'm with my boy, sitting down in his show, chopping it up. And so it feels good not to be on this show where I'm like, "What do you want me to say," I'm at the crib.
Shawn Stevenson: Yeah, no doubt, man. So again, thank you so much man, I appreciate you.
That's Eric Thomas everybody, number one motivational speaker on the planet and you know why and it's just electric in this room right now. Such a huge inspiration in my life, in the lives of so many people and just very grateful to call him friend, family and man, just so many incredible lessons that permeate through my own family at home, thanks to being around and spending time and just learning from Eric Thomas.
And make sure, again, to pick up his book, "You Ain't The Boss of Me" and really again, not just for ourselves, but for our children, for the people who are teaching our children to pay more attention, to foster and support us all tapping into our own unique gifts and talents, our superpowers.
And this is how we really create a world that works for everybody. And really one of the big messages today I feel is understanding and operating from that place that broke is not a lack of money, it's a lack of change and strength within our mindset, and that's really where we need to do the work.
And asking the question you know, when we do face a situation where we need to accomplish a financial goal, maybe it's for a new home, maybe is for getting our kids into a new school district, maybe it's for the basic stuff, getting clothes on our back and those kind of things.
If you're like me, whenever we've been faced with those challenges for hitting a financial goal, we will rise to the occasion to make it happen if it's a dire need, right, if we got to get money to be able to pay a certain bill or to support a family member who's going through something, we find a way, right?
But now we can take this out of step and it doesn't have to be a crisis to make us to take action, we can start to ask, "Which gift do I have that can create this income?" Thinking from that place versus what Eric talked about being a taker, because a lot of times it's like, "What can I get, what can I get?
How can I take this from some entity," versus, "What gift do I have to give that can create this income for me?" I think it's a really powerful thing to meditate on, to think about, especially when we meet opposition, not just even in our money but in the context of our relationships, in the context of work and connections, asking that question what gift to I have that can make this connection take place.
What gift do I have that I can bring to the table to create this result for me? And that's the thing, you do have unique gifts and talents and capacities that you can bring to the table to accomplish any goal that you have for yourself.
And yes, remember, please hear this, Eric is going to be along with me and the rest of our team, we're going to be doing the Phenomenal Life event this year coming up in Mexico.
Alright, so come and hang out with us, of course, it's a great excuse to get to this beautiful environment that we're going to be in Mexico, but it's also a great opportunity to spend time with the people that are pouring into your cup and to spend time with Eric and the rest of the team is just literally priceless, it's changed my life in so many different ways and you have that opportunity to come down to the Phenomenal Life 2020 event coming up here early next year.
So head over to the modelhealthshow.com/pl2020. All right, so the letter P, the letter L, the number 2020 themodelhealthshow.com/pl2020, and you can get your tickets for the event, it is going to sell out, this is your opportunity to take action if you feel called to take action via this episode and it inspired you, it struck a chord with you, this is an opportunity to take things to the next level. Alright, so themodelhealthshow.com/pl2020, come hang out with us.
At the event we're going to be doing some powerhouse workshops for you guys focusing on health and wellness obviously, I'm going to be there for that, your financial wellbeing and we've got the very best people on the planet including a guest of The Model Health Show, Jamal King is going to be there, 9 to 5 millionaire, sharing all his gifts and talents and tips and insights, but some other people as well.
Your relationship health obviously, Eric Thomas is going to be there and it's just absolutely priceless opportunity, so make sure to come over and hang out with us in Mexico. And on that note, guys, we've got some powerhouse episodes coming your way, incredible guests, incredible show topics coming very, very soon so make sure to stay tuned.
If you got a lot of value from this episode, please share it with people that you care about on social media, you can tag me, tag Eric and I appreciate that so much. Alright, guys, take care, have an amazing day, and I'll talk with you soon.
And for more after this show, make sure to head over to themodelhealthshow.com, that's where you can find all of the show notes, you can find transcriptions, videos for each episode, and if you've got a comment you can leave me a comment there as well.
And please make sure to head over to iTunes and leave us a rating to let everybody know that this show is awesome and I appreciate that so much.
And take care, I promise to keep giving you more powerful, empowering, great content to have to transform your life. Thanks for tuning in.
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